I consider this one of the best letters I've ever written. My Mother's sudden death was a shock to me, and it awakened me to what others suffering similar losses might be feeling. Our culture denies death, so that after the death of a loved-one, we're expected to return to work the following week having "gotten over it."
I send a grief journal in my Mother's memory, and enclose a letter similar to this. After the comfort of the funeral wears off, grieving is a lonely experience. One purpose of this letter is to help the reader feel less alone. The two books mentioned in the letter are shown below it.
B I L L F R A N K
October 7, 20—
Dear Allie,
I was saddened to hear about the death of your mother, Julianne. This is a difficult loss.
I'm no expert at grief, but I have suffered the loss of close relatives—especially a favorite aunt and uncle—both sets of grandparents, my 18-year-old stepson, Alan (14 years ago), and my mother (2-1/2 years ago). Now, my 83-year-old father-in-law is declining, and we realize he won't live much longer. So death is a part of life, and the best thing we can do is share it. That's why I'm writing to you.
I've enclosed a copy of "I Remember You: A Grief Journal," by Laynee Gilbert. This book contains comforting thoughts, and a place to write, and in grieving my mother, I have enjoyed both the reading and the writing. At first I didn't write much, but as time passed I've almost filled the journal. I did not follow any particular order; I skipped around and wrote wherever there was an empty page. It felt nice not to follow any rules. In fact, I sometimes wrote upside down or sideways on the pages. Even if you don't write in the journal, you may find the quotes helpful.
One of the most comforting quotes to me was this one by William Shakespeare: "What wound ever did heal but by degrees?"
"Illuminata: Thoughts, Prayers, Rites of Passage "
by Mirianne Williamson, Random House
This is a little prayer book I've found quite useful. This prayer for Julianne is taken from pages 120 and 121.
Allie Segal
Page Two
Dear God,
Please take the soul and spirit of Julianne, this dear
departed one, into the sweetest corner of
Your mind, the most tender place in Your
heart, that she, and I might be comforted.
For now she has gone, and I pray, dear God,
for the strength to remember she has not gone far.
For she is with You and shall remain so forever.
She remains within me, for we are all in You together.
The cord that binds us one to the other cannot be cut,
surely not by death.
For You, dear God, have brought us together,
and we remain in eternal connection.
There is no power greater than You.
Death is not Your master, nor mine,
These things I believe and ask my heart to register.
I surrender to You my grief.
I surrender to You my pain.
Please take care of Your servant, Julianne,
my dear one who has passed.
And please, dear Lord, take care of me.
Amen.
The German philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein said, "Whereof one cannot speak, thereof let one remain silent." Meaning that, some things can't be put into words, so don't try. I am sorry about your loss, Allie, and I know words cannot repair it; but I do hope that these few thoughts will help you feel less alone.
With warmest wishes,
